Change the title as you deem fit, I couldn't think of anything else, sorry.

Basically, this where any of you writing lyrics can post them here for feedback/constructive criticism. The thread's point isn't to show off your uber skillz in writing but mostly on how to improve your writing, regardless of your level.

I actually made this thread to post the lyrics I wrote a few minutes ago - then I changed my mind and thought it would be nice if everyone posted his (respective) shit.

I don't really like dissecting/explaining lyrics but for this one time, if anyone wants to know what the hell I'm talking about, I will do it.

Here goes:

---
REMOVED.

Six views, no replies. Is it that bad? :[

my lyrics are kinda personal but hey who cares right?

The Statue’s pledge

I hear voices
In my head
A haunting word
They say “empty”

It pounds and hurts
An internal punishment
On and on
They say “empty”

I am a shell
Sculptured stone
Only ivy grows
All else is empty

No flesh and bones
Always cold
Trapped inside
I am empty

Remain of the past
Carcass of solitude
Inexistence

Alive
Yet dead
Inexistent

Forgotten
Everyone has forgotten
How by God’s grace
I was made
Inexistent
I will not be inexistent
I am life
I am man



Lethargy



Falling into sleep
Torpor of the mind
Shapes that cannot be seen
And faces without names
Tongues that say no word
With noises that go unheard
Dreaming of days to come
witnessing actions undone


A nightmare of death’s conception…
A life of illusions…
Feel, touch, taste, smell and see
But its not reality
Hear chants of elegy
As the hearse moves towards the yard
See death after life
But see life into torpor
Witness love and caresses
Feel the climax or be denied

Clowns and wizards
Fights and treason
Beliefs, misconceptions
Talks, unanswered questions…

The paradox of a dream is to feel it is not one
As we fall into our consciousness
Schizophrenic hallucinosis
A prey for the mind…
Flashbacks of life…
Fear, sorrow, love and joy
Condensed in a varied enclosure
Of simple complexity



Schizophrenia (song written and played with nonsense)



[Death/Thrash part]

I can feel the blood dripping through my fingers
This pain is sharp
This pain is mine
Feeding pain of the soul with pain of the shell
Longing for deliverance
Longing for freezing hell
Because of the hatred, the ascent of my sickness,
brought me to a point, where i don't give a fuck
On my darkest fate
I want to die
On penumbra's wings
I want to fly
Maybe I'm a wretch of humanity
So take me away
Make this sickness burn

[Thrash chorus]
Annihilate
Obliterate
Obfuscate
My fate

[melodic clean part]
Gifted by pain I fall into my torpor, making my way through myself
I feel lost in this maze
there's no way to escape from these walls I create
Death is a side effect of life
But will it fill the void

[Thrash/death]
Hypocrisy
is what I despise
When i look around
It is all I see
This world of misery
has destroyed my inner
I wanted to taste life
it is all too bitter
This is my lullaby
So I sleep forever
My song to say goodbye
the epilogue of my torture

[thrash]
Damnation
Life
Salvation
death
schizophrenia
Catatonia
Madness
Madness
Madness
Madness...



The endless road (The journey part 1)

I’ve been walking on this road for years
Sometimes I feel like I’m alone
I’ve fallen on this road with tears
For my sins I have atoned
I see the eyes that look so fierce
Their heart is made of stone
My body shakes with fear
I know that I must go

On this endless road I roam
So I am no more alone
On this endless road where life is gone
I walk to the heart of hell

She died and left me with no word
A part of me was numb
She died and took me in her grave
I breathed but did not live
I could not let her go like this
I could not let her die
The path of fire burns my feet
I know that I must go

Tears of Persephone (The Journey part 2)

I walked the eons in the abyss
In search of myself
All for just a kiss
Against the rules of death
There he was defiant
Behold the dark ruler
My mouth kept silent
My soul was asunder
Why did I exist?
Why was I doing all of this?
I forgot who was this man
All I know are the images and the words
Words that I could not comprehend
The images painful as the blade of a sword

I sang the Swan’s song
And the iron queen wept
The maiden’s tears shook the earth
I just wanted myself back
I wanted her back
Oh Persephone
Give her back
Oh Iron queen
Never will melodies haunt you like mine
Take her she said
But never look back
We ran away from the doom of death
Only a glance took her back
Persephone cried and Eurydice died


The hand that chokes

Tie the leech
To his neck
Slaves shall serve their masters well
No word
No feelings
Else you will taste the stick
Live in fear
Wait for death
You are gifted by demise
You may scream
You may cry
And choke in your blood and tears


Chorus:
Flee the light
Live in weakness
Fear the hand
The hand that chokes

Time will pass
Days will fade
Decades will be centuries
Your face is weary
Your hands are old
You forgot the days when you were young
Only scars
Remind you
That there were yesterdays
And still you bend
And still you kneel
And still you fear that hand that chokes

They are very Metallica-ish, especially Schizophrenia and could actually pass for a song of theirs. (but we all know they're a bunch of drunks who open a dictionary and look up random words and write their songs ) That's good but I don't really like it.

I really like both parts of The Journey. I can't help but think Agalloch's The Mantle when I read it. Very good stuff that.

Interesting.. Name?'s lyrics seem more goth to me and Domz very doomy (Journey) and melo death (the others).

YES! That's the word I was looking for...but then chose Agalloch's The Mantle. I think that's the closest to doom I've been.

That's not exactly what I aim for, but I'm generally in that mood. A bit melancholic, if you will. If ever, I become a good enough musician to turn this into an actual song (when I finish writing it), it will be something progressive and melancholic.

boohoo mo plus kapav trouv zot doomy et melo death ki metallica sorry mo ine bien degouter ek metallica.

comment monn dire avant, The Journey mari bon. lot zistoire paret resulta ki to gagne si James ti all lekol 1-2 l'annee encore.

I like The Statue's Pledge. A lot.

(especially because at some point, I could/can relate to it)